I read the words “adhesive thong” today, and my world has not been the same. Yes, to answer your first question, there was a visual. The best way to describe it was the same sense of huh when we first took off Barbie’s pink skirt as children. Well, looky there, that’s not anatomically correct now, is it?
I just imagine the thong focus group going, yea, that last bit of string going around the side, that’s too much. Can we somehow superglue it to our hoo ha’s and do away with the five centimeters of material? Perfect.
I hate thongs. My body was not structured for them, but neither was my heart. I like the feeling of containment, the sense it’s all in there and not going anywhere. A thong is itchy in a funky way like something is out of place way. For those of you who don’t know, go find a piece of string used to tie turkey legs together and floss your ass. Women claim it’s more natural, nope not for me. My ass is a pear and likes to be cradled by silky-smooth luxury. Who wants their bum to rub the backside of denim all day or, worse, sit directly in the sand at the beach? Blech.

Back to that focus group, when have women cried for the thong to be reinvented? What would one have to wear to actually warrant adhesion to the cooter versus a silk strand? Isn’t it the stringy part that lures one’s, sexual partner? The “oops, that broke,” between my crest-white-stripped molars the turn on? So without the sexuality or delicacy of a lacy bit, does one rip an adhesive thong off like a wax strip? Is it a two for one? I have so many questions. Lastly, what article of clothing would require just a band-aid on one’s Jenny?
Bringing me to the next point, the adhesive thong is a nude color. I know certain men/women don’t like the shrubbery part, but further de- sexualizing the Minnie to make a woman look like she has alien bits? That’s just weird.

I mean, I remember when my mother popped open a giant plastic Easter egg and put on pantyhose on a Friday night. L’egg’s hosiery had a built-in undergarment, so she didn’t have to double layer if you know what I mean. It was mental looking at her shrubbery mashed in there like it was about to perform a robbery.
Granted, I prefer my lady parts to be more comfortable than sexy, but I have had two children and two decades of marriage. I am more worried about is whatever I am putting on is clean. Adhesive thongs just seem so irrelevant versus did I shave both my right and a left leg today? I am glad there are people out there devoted to such quandaries and innovation. Otherwise, what would I bitchily write about…but still, I prefer my undergarments not to neuter me or provide an at-home wax. It seems my kitty, like my heart, is just old fashion.